OmniVeggie

The Scariest Recipe of the Month is a monthly feature in which we showcase a recipe from the internet or television that we have found and utterly flabbergasts us. They usually include scary ingredients, scary preparing methods, or just horrible ideas. This is one such thing.


This month, I thought we'd go with something scary in the sense that someone out there actually thinks that this is a recipe. it's not a recipe. it's directions for pouring something into a glass of ice.

Back in July when we were having some...problems...with our apartment, we went back to Lancaster, PA, where I went to college and where many of my friends still reside. We were playing poker (Hannah had just learned how to play the night before back here and she totally whupped me.) and drinking. My friend Harry, who was nice enough to let us crash at his place, suggested we try a drink from this bottle of something he got for his Anniversary. it was this unholy, unnatural sky blue hazy liquid, that looked like something out of an 80s punchbowl.



It was called Hpnotiq and it is shnarsty. It tastes like isopropyl alcohol combined with the slight twinge of burning paraffin and red phosphorus. It is shit-ass. I'm not kidding. We think it's pronounced 'hip-no-TEEK,' but there's a good chance it's 'hypnotic.'

However you say it, it's awful.

So, I was watching, idly, Semi-Homemade With Sandra Lee the one day on Food Network. And if you don't know what this is, my god, please watch. Please. the woman's idea of a good recipe is opening a packet of McCormack's seasonings and dumping it into a pile of undisclosed meat and whacking it into the oven.

Now, let's be fair. Hannah and I are not the world's greatest cooks. We're pretty good. But we're not the world's greatest cooks. It's early in our foodie career and we've still got lots of ground to cover. But I assure you, we do not think that easy baking solutions include slapping marzipan on a store-bought sheetcake and pressing cupcakes into them. That's just simply not baking. Sandra Lee, however, believes that this is the paragon of the culinary world. She is the world's laziest cook. World's Laziest. And her food just looks horrible.

It her "Ocean Breeze" cocktail is this month's scary recipe. Food Network calls it the Hypnosis cocktail, but she calls it Ocean Breeze on the show.

Recipe? Oh, you'd better freakin' believe it!



Ocean Breeze (Hypnosis)

Ice
Blue-colored fruit-flavored cognac and vodka liqueur (recommended: Hpnotiq)
Blueberries, for garnish

Place some ice cubes in a tall glass. Pour in some liqueur and garnish with blueberries. Serve immediately.




Please read that again.

The ingredients are ice, some sort of blue-colored fruit-flavored cognac and vodka liqueur (the only one of it's kind being Hpnotiq) and blueberries. She's telling you, you idiot monkeys, to pour a liquid into a glass and then add blueberries. And because it's very possible she's evil, those blueberries are from Chile. And you know how we feel about blueberries from Chile.

Scariest recipe of the month, ladies and gentlemen. A woman's instructions on pouring a terrifyingly bad liquid into a glass.

Gyeh.