Matthias and I are home cooks. Neither of us has received any formal training, whatsoever. Aside from being voracious readers of blogs, cookbooks, newspapers and food magazines, there is absolutely no reason why we should be considered any kind of experts on food and spew out our recipes and thoughts into the interwebs. But, we do consider ourselves to be conscious, ethical consumers, a couple who linger over breakfasts and dinners (and snacks), a girl and a boy who appreciate the thoughts and ingredients that go into satisfying our eyes, noses, mouths, and sometimes fingers.
But there is a line drawn in the sands of home cooking on the internet that we will not cross. That, my friends is the 'resource' and frustratingly googlebombed cooks.com.
Like so many of you, we do not believe that cooking at home is a matter of assembly. In our experience, we have found cooks.com to be saturated with horrifying 1950s style casseroles, 'easy' preservative-laden shortcuts and substitutions, and typographical errors with sparse and passionless directions, all designed to get something that resembles food onto the table to fill up your belly and let you go on your distracted way, with the vague hint of satiety.
I knew that I wanted to feature this site as April's scariest source, and I knew I wouldn't have to do much digging to find something truly horrifying to share with you as a disgusting recipe. But, in the 'seafood' section, I came upon something called 'Tuna Rice Pie'. I didn't know it would be that easy. An abbreviated search on the interwebs, turned up nothing as to the origins of this monstrous concoction. I could find no cultural heritage, point of origin, or mythology surrounding this excrescence. So, I am going to assume that once upon a time, in 1947 someone had an almost empty pantry, a hungry family, and an oven. There is nothing wrong with this state of living. Life and poverty get in the way and we can't all be foodies all the time. But we should probably never ever ever make this.
And so, it is with a reinvigorated fear of tuna, canned cheese soup, and casserole, that I bring you The Scariest Recipe of the Month: April edition: Tuna Rice Pie.
There are apparently some variations on this culinary offender, some resembling the beloved pot pie, and some closer to quiche, but I have picked what I believe to be the most disgusting incarnation.
Also, one more question: what is converted rice?
Please, if you can offer any cultural or culinary insight that might make this a little less nauseating, do correct or inform me. I love learning.
image sources respectively: EJF, EPH, Andy Warhol
comic by hannah
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Who are we?
Matthias and Hannah reside in Bushwick, Brooklyn. He is a hedonist who never shies away from complicated rich foods. She is a vegetarian who would eat peas every night if she could. But she also loves to bake. Fortunately, this seems to work out for Matthias who just might have the sweetest teeth around. Mostly they cook because food is a way to make people happy, to scatter warm fuzzies all about, and to learn about the way we live. This is the story of the things we are made of.
July Loves
- basil
- cherries
- the prospect of cooking again one day
- things are bleak. that's all we've got in terms of food. we live in bushwick for pete's sake.
Converted rice is long grain rice that has been par-boiled and then dried again. (By contrast, Minute Rice or instant rice, has been fully cooked then dehydrated).
Not all canned tuna is bad. Empress white albacore is quite good and by the price tag, you'll know it. There are also some good tunas from Spain and Italy packed in olive oil. Great with pasta.
Google vitello tonnato, a veal recipe, that uses olive oil packed tuna.
Also, when you think of Campbell's Condensed Soup, try to admire what's right about it. Texture, thickness etc, that make it a favorite for quick casseroles. Then feed it to the dog or a child and make your own version that has some real flavor.
Good luck,
Sean
As a strong proponent of reviving the casserole (in theory, not in practice), and having written many academic papers on the subject of casseroles and other various funeral foods, converted rice is that five-minute boxed rice. Cooks quick so you can eat quick! ;)
I suspect you are right, that the origin of this dish sprung from a tired housewife in the 1940s who had not much in the pantry to make dinner, or, had to ration what she did have. That said, I think I might like this "category" (which I've just browsed) a lot more if it were not written in such a mean-girls voice. Poking fun is more fun when it's gentle.
Sean, thank you for your suggestions of the tuna in oil for pastas. I, myself have three or four cans of tuna in water in the cabinet that I use for tuna salad (shhhh...it's generic from a couple years ago...on thinking about that...maybe I should throw that stuff out and trade it in for tuna in oil.)
Lunettes: Have you seen Alton Brown's Good Eats about the casserole? Not a bad one. Probably not as academic as you're used to, but he does make some good points and some pretty interesting concoctions.
And anonymous? Clearly you haven't ever heard the work of Jon Benjamin, Patton Oswalt or George Carlin.
Cooks.com scares me. :( As I started cooking, I searched cooks.com regularly because it has so many recipes there, but nothing really looked good. Then I found allrecipes and Cooks Illustrated, as well as Tastespotting (where I found this post, by the way!), and I've never looked back.
scary, scary stuff.
And that's from a woman who was brought up on stuff like that.
My mum, AKA Mater Beige still thinks this sort of thing is the height of culinary excellence.
I think I need a lie down now.
ditto what sean said on the tuna - vitello tonnato is some tasty stuff.
the soup, however, is completely beyond redemption. it shouldn't be eaten on its own, nor should it be allowed to contaminate any other foods.
terrifying.
matthias:
I love Alton! I think his church ladies episode was hi-larious and I like the idea of trying to revamp the casserole so that it's not so ick. And, he's such a good southern boy. I want to sop him up sometimes.
It's really not so much academic as it is fun to write about food, really. One of my profs had an entire, huge paper over the politics of beaten versus mixed biscuits. I need to interview her for the blog one of these days.
abitmental: it's nice to know we're not alone in our fear of cooks.com :) if you find any other great sources in addition to the ones you mentioned, please let us know!
purple goddess: i hope you have recovered from your excavation of repressed food trauma. it's funny (and fortunate) how our tastebuds change as we grow up.
michelle: i am totally siding with you on the condensed cheese soup. i try to get no nearer to it than via andy warhol.
lunettes: that would be an amazing interview! if you don't mind my asking, who was your prof? (you can email me if you don't want to post it here) i'd be curious to read some of her work. thanks for checking back in :)
i fixed itttttt